Since I’ve been in Albuquerque, I’ve realized that I tend to feel a lot more fear than I would like to actually feel. And my comfort zones? Yah, they are being maxed out a lot more than I’m use to, as well. What’s up with that?
The training here is intense and I always feel a bit of anxiety going to the gym. I always think, “Man, I do not want to get beat up today… “ I just want to learn, to feel like I did okay, that I am making progress and getting better.
On top of that fear or that need to survive training, I feel a twinge of loneliness. Homesick might be a better word. I miss the social angle that the CMC gym at home use to have for me… I miss my boys on the fight team there… how funny and lighthearted they were, the ways they would tease me, push me, but still love me all the same. AND I miss bombarding them with hugs. Ha. (They probably don’t miss that too much.) Not only do I miss my boys, but I also long for my girlfriends who took the kickboxing classes at the gym. It was always fun to see them there and to get a girlie chat in, of course a bunch of hugs and laughs. That was my comfort zone. I miss the social perks and safety of it all. But, I said I wanted this… and so here I am…
It’s funny, the way the universe has little ways of taking jabs at us… to keep us moving in the direction we said we wanted to go. Random little things will pop up, encouraging us to continue taking steps forward. I read a quote the other day, on accident, while getting myself organized and amped up for another training session…
“Feel the fear, and do it anyway.”
Dammit, I thought. I wanted to tell the Universe to f*ck right off. I’m always feeling the fear lately! How much more do you want me to feel! But… because I am somewhat of a sane person, I didn’t go blasting the middle finger up to the sky/space. I also refrained from cursing out at the air and silence around me. I knew that this quote, popping up when it did, was what I needed.
I debate with myself a lot. My doubts talk loudly and rudely, trying to over power and shut out the positive, encouragement, struggling to voice what it wants to say. I’d like to think that is common with most fighters, or most athletes.
When I try to dissect it a little (hey, I’m a pretty average chick… we tend to over think things…) I think that maaaaaaybe these fears coming up could be the way that life shows us we are on the right track. Would you agree? Or is this just my sexylicious way of putting a positive spin on something that’s not so comforting? Either way… let’s have a looky.
Fear shows up when we start to move out of our comfort zones. And likely, our dreams and hopes aren’t found in the comfort zone… they are found outside of them… where it is necessary to get a little more alive and vibrant in order to move and grow closer to these dreams. Maybe fear is just a way that life is saying, “yup, this direction, right over here, into the unknown. Don’t worry, I got you.”
Or maybe not. Maybe it’s just fear and that’s that. I don’t know for sure.
But what I do know is this… I don’t actually dig the fear (as if I haven’t made THAT clear), but I know enough about myself and have taken enough “chances” in my life, to know that the things that are the hardest to do, are the things that are most worth doing.
When this is all over with, I am trusting that I will look back and think, gawd damn I am glad I did that. It sucked at times, but it was worth it. And maybe with a little luck the fears will subside, and all “this” won’t seem like such a big deal, while I’m going through it. In the mean time, I will refrain from flipping the bird at the universe… and I’ll just keep pulling on the big girl panties and the shit kicker boots. I said I wanted this… I’ve got to suck it up and giver hell. I’ve just got to feel the fear and do it anyway.
Sending love, hugs and buttslaps…