Often when we feel our friends or loved ones acting “weird,” pulling back or changing, we internalize the actions and some how make the retreat of their friendship our own fault. We retrace recent conversations, questioning what we could have said to make them pull back. Of course it’s our fault, right?! I mean, why wouldn’t it be?
Well actually my dear, it likely isn’t about you at all.
People have their own shit to deal with, and I hate to crush this one down on you, but please don’t assume you are grand enough to be the source of another human beings change.
But think about how hard it is to make yourself change… you really think that you have that much power, to make another person change when we can hardly create it in ourselves?
How someone treats you is about them; it has to do with what is going on in their life. While you may be shocked or even hurt by how they treat you, it does not mean that you actually did something wrong.
In other words, you can’t be wrong or at fault for something that has nothing to do with you. Funny enough, our silly human mind NEEDS an explanation. We need a reason, so we make one up. At the time, it seems to make sense. We’ve produced an answer for ourselves, just so we have an answer at that moment when we want it! Creative, aren’t we? Why are we so willing to be wrong or at fault?
One of my favorite authors, Iyanla Vanzant says that each time you make yourself wrong for the way someone else treats you, you diminish your sense of self.
Yes, in some way you chip away at your self worth, you accept less than good enough like you deserve it, you lower your standards… you make yourself responsible for the impossible task of someone else’s happiness…
That is some heavy stuff, dude.
With all these ideas I’m throwing around, I would like to state that there is a time and a place where blame could very well be placed on you. This “it’s not about you, it’s about them” idea isn’t a get out of jail free card, for the rest of your life. At some point, you may actually be at fault. When, you ask? Well, I don’t know, maybe when you actually do something purposefully and crazy… like run over your friends pet ferret, or give out their credit card information with out permission to some online scheme company because you think it would be funny.
Yeah…, maybe in times like that, you could be at fault for their shittiness.
But most times, when a friend, a loved one or hell, even a complete stranger snaps on you, is cold, irritable or flat out mean and rude… it likely has to do with their own stuff: their own thoughts, experiences and stress. It’s about what’s going on with them.
Which is kind of a relief, if you think about it. “Ahhh… I am not responsible for every persons peace or happiness! What a kick ass realization.”
Sending love, hugs, and butt slaps…