I’ve been searching a lot the last few years. On a journey of trying to figure things out, grow closer to The Divine, and cultivate a lasting peace with in me. This journey is one which has me, at times, confused and questioning. A journey that gives me a sweet, small taste of connection and freedom, but an answer and a way of being that I can’t seem to make last.
My journey probably looks familiar to many others. My journey involves heartache and pain from lost loves… my journey involves packing up my life multiple times and trying to start over somewhere new… my journey involves self help seminars and work shops, books and podcast, yoga mats and hikes, journals and notebooks… I am a seeker. A packer-upper-whats-next-whats-out-there kind of girl. I’ve always been up for adventure, growth, and experiences.
My path and my journey have me looking for where the light is, aiming to grow deeper into that light. Seek, discover, add. Go, go, go. I’m seeking, but it seems that as I search, I am also trying to hard, reaching and frantically grasping for any sense of peace I can along the way.
This doesn’t actually sound all that peaceful, does it?
It’s almost funny. I desire peace and connection but I can’t stop planning my days and to-do list of all the things that will “get me there.” Yoga. Meditate. Journal. Send love. Write. Read. Do this… do that… do, do, do.
Is this to-do list really bringing me closer to the peace and connection I want? I go and I do, and I check things off left, right and centre, but am I anywhere closer to my desired connection with the Universe, life and myself? Am I feeling anymore peaceful?
I truly want so badly to connect with the Universe and be in the flow and ease of that energy, that love, that peace. I want so badly to be always present, to give freely, to let go easily…
But I struggle getting there. And even more so? I struggle STAYING there, once I get a taste. Maybe you can relate?
Okay, so, pause. Story time: flash back to last week.
I was sitting in the chair at the hair salon, getting my fresh hair color washed out. My hairdresser seems to know when I want to chat and when I am best left to my thoughts and stillness. She washed my hair color out in silence that afternoon, the same silence that was present while she applied the dye to my hair less than an hour earlier. I was in deep thought. Dreaming and pondering connection. As she washed the red color out, a thought crossed my mind: Can I find God in this?
Whoa. Wait, what? Where did that come from?
As my startled thoughts tried to understand and control, something inside of me asked again, can I find God in this? Can I find God in this moment, in these people? Can I find God in this space?
Let me backtrack and share that the word GOD is not one I’ve been particularly comfortable with. Like, at ALL. EVER. But I’ve been seeking for more, as I do. And recently, I’ve been interchanging my go-to word the UNIVERSE, with the word GOD. But I haven’t spoken much of that word… just played with it here and there in my head. Never really committing to it.
But this moment… the voice in my head (or in my heart?) asked… “Can I find God in this?”
What happened next wasn’t magical or huge or mind blowing. But it was a quiet ah-ha moment as I looked for God in that moment. My ah-ha moment unfolded deeper as I confidently and whole heartedly answered to myself, God is in the hands of my hairdresser as she does what she loves to do. God is in the conversations of all the people chatting, as they get their hair done. God is in the warm water rushing over my head. God is in the breath I breathe in and the breath I breathe out. God is in the space between my thoughts when I am not listing where God is.
I realized in that moment as I lost myself in thoughts of wanting connection and peace, as I suddenly discovered the use of the word GOD was less heavy, authority-like and demanding than expected… that maybe, maybe this is something I could (not should, because my to-do lists are long enough… but COULD) start looking for. A trigger, if you will. To bring me back down from wanting and searching for peace and connection, to actually noticing the peace already present and connecting to what’s already in front of me and in me. All by asking myself to find God in that moment.
So what a concept, right? That maybe I can find God in those moments, which are every moment. Instead of my to-do list of things which I want check off and which I do in order to try and be more spiritual and connected.
Don’t get me wrong, a lot of the stuff on my lists I really enjoy doing…
But Maybe God isn’t only on/in those lists. In fact, I know now God is more places than that: God is everywhere, because God is everything. The same way I always have believed that the Universe and that energy of love is everything and everywhere. God, the Universe. Whatever. Ya know?
Added bonus: Suddenly, God isn’t as scary of a word for me to us. What really shifted?
I don’t really know.
But I will take it.
Sending you love, hugs, and butt slaps…