The shitty work


941b7249415b98b2d750cb922aedd12b--work-hard-quotes-inspiration-quotes-hard-workHave you ever struggled in life?

Maybe you and your boyfriend broke up but you still feel a sting from the heartache and you find moving on difficult to do. How do you become whole and complete again? There’s a struggle between what is, what will be and what was.

Or maybe you’re totally over your ex but instead, are struggling in the dating world. You struggle to make promising and exciting connections. How do we make that happen?

How about if you’re a mama raising a family, busting your tired ass to get the kids to a million different places, every day of the week, while aching and longing for a sleep-in or romance? There is a struggle there that is deafening.

We struggle. We all struggle. You’re probably in it; I’m in it right now. The hot mess of it all.


Allow me to share. My struggles are currently and loudly with romantic relationships.

I’ve dated. And I’ve put in the work and time to really get over my ex. Really, I have. And in my own stance of pride, I’ve done pretty great for myself. I’ve come a long way. The person I am today didn’t breathe a chance six months ago. I could not let go.

Today, I’m doing okay. I still struggle on some things but I’ve got a pretty good track record now of surviving hard days.

But some things just aren’t quite healed. They haven’t quite disappeared from the front of my mind to a memory of the past. That’s where I find myself struggling. I want to be free of its constant grip.

One thing I’ve realized about struggle – no matter if it’s yours, mine or one we witness in friends and family – it is this: there is no quick fix. The pain brought on by struggle doesn’t willingly go away simply because you’ve done a little hard time hurting and put in a little work to get out of the black hole you are in.

No cookie cutter recipe. No quick fix.

Another thing I’ve realized, with any struggles in life, is that we have to do the shitty work. We have to. There is no easy work. There are no easy buttons to our lives. To really get what we want, totally and completely, we have to do the shitty work.

Here’s an interesting share: I thought I was doing the work. And you know what, in some ways, I did. But I also know I was trying to rush through the work. You know? Get my toes wet a little in the discomfort but not really all the way in, then rush to get on with it, to dry ‘em off and carry on to my happily ever after.

It doesn’t work like that. FAST isn’t an option with healing and struggle.

So what is it then? How is this shitty work supposed to… ahem, work? How do we know if we are doing it? How do we know if we are in the crap deep enough? How many steps forward do we have to take before we can glance backwards and see a few miles covered?

Well. That’s the thing with struggles and the work it requires of us to come through to the other side… one day you might only need to wade up to your knees in the mud and murk to make progress, and somedays you might have to completely submerge yourself underneath it all to just move forward a half of an inch.

So I got to reflecting. How the work works.

What I’ve seen in my own experience is this: even if we get a system or a rhythm going, this doesn’t mean it’s going to be fool proof and equal progress every single time. Maybe there is a few different ways to get answers and a few different ways move forward. Maybe one way will only work once and then never again.

As we change and grow, our strategies and approaches need to change and grow, too.

It could be like math. (I hate math). And it could be possible that I’m not getting the right answer or the answers I want because I’m just flat out not doing it right. Am I adding when I should be subtracting…? And am I only adding now because adding has worked before?

Or, maybe I’m multiplying when I should simply be putting down the pen and walking away all together, to make some progress and unstruggle myself.

Maybe I could just do the work differently now.


If one method doesn’t give you what you want or move you toward a better version of yourself, perhaps it’s time to change how you do the work. Try a different method.

Within your method right now, what have you been pretending not to know? Are you avoiding a method that, deep inside, you know you should try? And these paths and methods which you need to try – are you willing to do it?

Willingness is a big step in the right direction of a new equation for work. If we are willing, then our healing process can begin, right then, in that moment. Before we ever start the shitty work, we can start healing.

You can do it. I can do it. We are somehow incredibly capable and magically equipped to move through the crap and into a brighter, bolder spirit. A healed spirit. One that has done a lot of heavy lifting, but has the spiritual muscles to show for it.

Wishing you love, hugs, and the best butt slaps during your shitty work…






Give pain a purpose


Let’s talk about heartache.

Ahhh, heartache. We are all too familiar with that one, aren’t we?

When someone leaves us, the result is often a large gapping hole in our heart and soul. It feels like there is a void, like we are now incomplete, damaged and wrecked.

What do we do when this happens? Do we sit in those sad memories, tormenting ourselves by replaying the events, asking “why me” and then filling ourselves with anger, pity or regret?

Or when this happens, can we give the pain a purpose and make it work in our favor?

Changing the way we look at hurtful situations is hard. It takes determination and a conscious effort. But losing something shouldn’t leave us broken and devastated. Is that the point of pain? Is it truly meant to ruin us forever? I don’t really believe it is, my dear.

Here is what I am starting to discover about life: the losing of one thing should always lead to the discovery of another.

Fall gives way to winter, and winter to spring, and spring to summer. We lose what we have all the time. But something else will always emerge.

Are you getting angry with me yet? “You don’t know my story. It’s not easy to move on. You don’t know how bad I’ve been hurt and how hard this is.”

You’re right. I don’t know your story. But may I suggest that you take a look at what it means for you to cling to this claim? What role are you trying to adapt from this heartbreaking situation? Are you trying to define yourself as the victim, alone and incapable of strength? Are you really going to let that be your story?

I think you are sooo much more capable than that, sweet thaaang.

I’m not trying to minimize the significance of what you or anyone feels when the pain of a dark hole takes home in our hearts. I’ve 100% been there. I’ve lost two of my best girlfriends to Cancer. TWO. I’ve lost family members. I’ve experienced heartache more times in romantic relationships then I think one person ever should. I’ve lost opportunities I’ve been wanted, I’ve lost fights that meant the world to me, I’ve been rejected by others (and myself) more times than I could ever count. But, I am starting to discover that if I can get my shit together when I’m knocked down and hurting, if I can take a deep breath and just breathe, then I can give myself the opportunity to step back from that hole of pain, and the chance for my true self to emerge. And that self is a person of power, strength and capabilities. The decision to be strong doesn’t make me unique. It makes me human. We all have this ability.

When you give the pain a purpose, things will begin to work. It doesn’t stop the pain on point, but by turning it into an opportunity to change, help, serve or grow often can help ease the pain and dissolve it quicker. Think about the wonderful qualities of the people who you love… chances are they have a real sense of purpose in their lives. They are on point, focused and fulfilled. They don’t live in their pain, but rather when they experience it, they put it to use for them. How attractive and inspiring is that, right?

Step back and see if your true self will emerge from the hole of pain. Your life will be so much better when you define yourself as a capable hero who handed heartache with dignity and grace, rather than a victim who is alone, stuck and destined to hurt.

Sending love, hugs, and butt slaps…




Looking back on 2012


2012 is almost over! WOW. Seems like not too long ago I was sitting on my couch, writing a couple posts about reviewing 2011 and sharing with you my favorite moments from THAT year. Now, here I am… doing it again.

This morning, as I ran on the tredmill, my mind bounced from fighting to traveling to my BFF to love… and so on. Normally, if I am at the gym, my head is where it needs to be. IN the gym! I usually just think fighting stuff and focus on what I’m working on. This morning though, my head was all over the place thinking of everything that had happened this past year. 2012 – what a ride.

I think you guys know me well enough to know that writing is a bit of an outlet for me. And so here we are.

I had such a big year. I had as many ups as I did downs… I traveled… I pushed out of my comfort zones… I  found new comfort zones… I battled myself more than I battled others… I learnt, listened and loved. It’s been a rollarcoaster. And as much as I think I’d love to change some things that happened to me, I know that this is what was meant to be.

So! Here is a review of my year! The moments that shaped me in some life changing way.

Let’s have a looky.

Bye, bye comfort zone. Hello Brasil!

The first week of 2012 I was flying to Brasil. Alone. With no real idea as to what the fuck I was going to do when I got there. I went with a purpose of doing my Moksha Yoga training, but that started a few weeks after my scheduled arrival. As I planned my trip from the comfort of my own Canadian home, I figured that if I was going all the way over there, I needed to do some sightseeing before getting down to business with training.

Wow. Well, that was ballzy. Goodbye comfort zone.

But it was awesome. I did some sightseeing, laid on the beach, and tried to learn some Portuguese. I wandered, got lost, got scared, and got brave. I missed home but I embraced my challenge. What a way to start the year.

Loosing Deirdre to Cancer…

After almost a year of battle, and even a fair warning that the end was coming, I still couldn’t believe that we lost the fight. My BFF gave it her all and fought so hard, for so long. I will never forget that last week of being with her. It was thee hardest week. The longest week… the shortest… the most empty… the most full… most hurtful, confusing, strangest time I’ve ever experienced. Every emotion. How to even explain?

I said goodbye on Feb. 2, 2012.

And I miss her all the time.

Training in New Mexico at Jackson-Winkeljohns MMA gym...

I always wanted to go to Albuquerque and learn from the best. I just knew I had to go. So, after I said goodbye to Deirdre, I did what I do best.

I left.

I can’t decide if I was running and avoiding again (like I seem to do) or if I was just actually getting on with my dreams. Either way, I found myself in New Mexico about a month after she passed, and was soon learning from some of the best coaches and fighters in North America.

Julie Kedzie quickly became an idol to me. Obviously she is skilled, badass and tough as nails. But she is genuine. And kind. I felt like she took care of me at the gym, partnering with me and bearing with me thru things which were simple and easy to her, but that I was just learning for the first time.

I don’t think I would have stayed at Jacksons for as long as I did, if it weren’t for her. Three months of training there, changed who I was as a fighter. In big ways. I wish I could have stayed longer. And I also wish I could have gone back by now. But life happens, and expenses and money talk. All in good time, I guess. But what it comes dow to is how much of comfort zone popping experience it was. There is no disagreeing that I am a much better fighter, having trained there.

Winning fights!

October 2011 was my MMA debut. By September 2012, not quite a year later, I had fought four times. Three of those battles, I won. 2012 held wins for me. Not only for my record, but for my confidence. Each time I stepped into the cage, I felt a little more at home. I felt a little more familiar, a little more “me”… and a little more excited to do it again.

More goodbyes…

Saying goodbye is hard. And it’s scary. And it sucks when it is more what one person wants than you. This year I had to say goodbye to people who I didn’t really want to let go of. It’s a shitty feeling. Not wanting to let go, and then to feel needy and insecure in the process. Ugh.

But… I do believe we meet everyone for a reason. And something can always be taken away from everything. We might not have gotten the end result we wanted, but there is always a lesson that we can take away from the experience.

Taking a good hard look at how I slow myself down… 

I took a good look at myself this year. Lately, in fact. And decided it was time to quit slowing myself down. Man, do I self-sabotage. I ‘observe’ more than I should, when I should really be in there like a dirty shirt. I decided that I need to stop slowing myself down and being my own worst enemy. I have enough battles ahead of me, by being in the public eye (even if it IS small right now) and battling myself is not necessary. It’s time to be my own supporter, instead of my own biggest challenge. Working on this!!

Planning for the future… 

Fighting won’t last forever. I decided this year that as much as I love this lifestyle and what it gives me, I need to plan for post fighting. I use to think I wanted to open a gym and teach classes and help lead a womens team. Now, I’m not really sure that’s the path I want.

I decided that 2013 has to include some sort of eductaion and planning. I can still fight, I can still train, but I need something to fall back on. So, I took a deep breath, and went for it.

Applying to go back to school was scary. I could hear the critics in my mind before I even sent off my application. But some how I managed to ignore them. I still hear them from time to time, and I know they will likely pipe up as I actually enter into my school year in 2013… but I’m trying. And that’s better than not doing anything, right? Post fighting prep needs to begin. And so I will. Wish me luck.

H’okay! There is my year in review. My highs and lows. You now know more about me then you should. Lol But, thank you for reading.

Sending love, hugs and buttslaps…